It seems a challenging thought doesn’t it? To admit that when our relationships have trouble and/or end, we are the common denominator. Most of us project the causes of our relationship woes on our partners… “The relationship ended because he/she ________ (insert reason).” It was them, not us… right?
It would be idealistic and perfectly comforting to our hearts and our minds to think it’s always them. And, if we’re being honest about it, that’s how most of us live, that our partners are always to blame and they are the ones who don’t understand us. I mean, we’re all perfect communicators who have done the work and we never instigate fights, we only respond emotionally because of our partners… Right?!
Wrong… Oh, how we have it so, so wrong.
One of the most powerful moments of transformation anyone can experience is finally taking responsibility for themselves. Because, the truth is that we choose the partners who are in our lives. So if we chose them, are we not responsible for what we choose? I mean, if I order dinner, I don’t then blame someone for bringing me a steak even though that’s what I literally just asked the waiter to bring me.
If we’re willing to take the same accountability with our relationships and look at our partner choices through a wider lens, a deeper understanding, we can see that they are a mirror of what we believe about ourselves. Think about it: If we believe we aren’t worthy of a less than average partner, then how can they actually exist in our lives?
Spoiler Alert: They could not. We wouldn’t allow it. So, on some level, we have to believe we deserve them to keep them in our lives. This is because our external world will ALWAYS be a reflection of our internal world (what we truly believe about ourselves).
Humans are the ultimate tricksters though. We love to play games with our realities, so instead of actually processing and accepting that we are also responsible for our relationship outcomes, it’s easier to project blame on others. But what we don’t see is that the consequences of living in that state are vast. To deny responsibility is to live as a victim.
“They tricked me.” “They just didn’t know how to communicate.” “They cheated.” “They lied.” They, they, they, they… blah blah blah.
You know what projecting blame onto others does?! It takes our power away. Actually, when we’re a victim, we give our power away. You want to be powerful and get the relationship you say you want? Take back your power.
A simple change is to shift the story from “Why did this happen to me?” to “How did this happen FOR me?”
There are 3 reasons it’s so challenging to move from victim to creator:
1. It requires us to admit we’ve made mistakes. The first thing that happens when we take responsibility for our lives and accept that we choose everything is that we look back upon our pasts and we review all of those choices we’ve made.
We look back and we think to ourselves, “Wait, if I choose everything why would I choose things that hurt me? Why would I have chosen to hurt other people?” This is where most people stop, because admitting that we haven’t been so great, hurts, so it’s easier to go back to victim state because that makes life and our pasts so much easier to process and put behind us. But this easing of the pain is only on the surface, deep in our hearts we know the truth, and it’s this truth that leads to depression, anxiety, sickness and pain. And this is why we continue to choose the same people and the same patterns, we keep choosing the same things because we live in the illusion that these situations and people keep happening to us.
Stay the course, process your past from the eyes of creator and feel the pain of your choices. Look at the past through the lens of self-compassion and accept that you were doing the best you could with what you know. Now you know better, what does that demand of you?
2. We are afraid to process our emotional hurts and our traumatic memories. We all have pasts. We all have childhoods that weren’t ideal and we all have had people take a crap on us and say things that scathed. Often we’ve done the same and we’re not proud of who we’ve been at times. But till we can take an honest look at who we’ve been and who we’re currently showing up as, we will never be able to change our lives. It requires radical honesty with ourselves to take an accurate audit of our hearts and our emotions.
Emotions scare us though, and we’ve been taught that sadness and negative emotions are bad. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. Emotions are information. They are neither bad nor good, they are an invitation for us to grow and change and expand and become an amazing human being who takes accountability for our choices and uses emotions as fuel for that transformation. You are a deeply feeling being who wouldn’t know love without the pain, who wouldn’t know what feels good if you didn’t know what hurt felt like. You, are a effing powerhouse if you let yourself be. You are fire, and you either let yourself burn and let yourself love, or you use negative emotions as a reason to protect yourself and lash out. But realize, that everything you do to protect yourself from being hurt, also protects and prevents you from feeling and being loved. You choose.
3. We don’t like the mirror. Looking at our partners and our pasts as valuable information of how we’re showing up can hurt deeply because we ask ourselves, “What would I have to believe about myself to keep this situation/person in my life?” Mirrors can hurt. They remind us that we’ve always felt like we weren’t enough and people have failed to show up for us. They remind us that we have put the belief that we’re lovable in the hands of others. That we let the way other people treat us determines whether we believe we are great and worthy of great love.
The first and most important step out of the cycle of choosing people who will never be able to love us is to accept that it’s because, deep down, we don’t believe that we’re lovable. This is the common baseline belief that every human has to some extent. The second is to realize it’s not our fault that this is our common belief. We have been raised in societies, cultures and religions that say we have to fit into a box and be ______ and ______. And if we’re not, then we won’t be loved. The message that is sent is that we must hide our true selves and our true essence. We are programmed through evolution to conform or we will be kicked out of the tribe.
What we don’t realize is that today we can find people like us. We can find weird and wacky human beings who want to love the way we do. We can choose our own spiritual practices and decide that the principles with which our families are founded on are not in alignment with what we want. We get to decide if our life will be a true and authentic expression of our hearts.
You are so much more than just person born into a family, a country, and a religion. You are unique and you have so much love to give. The catch is that till your life is an expression of your deepest truths you will be the birthplace of your greatest fear, rejection. So you will choose people who reject you too. That’s why when we take responsibility for what and who we choose, when we become the Gods we’ve been taught to praise, we begin to realize that the birthplace of deep and unconditional love, is the love we give ourselves. It’s in accepting ourselves that we find people who love and accept us unconditionally too.