We can all relate to the young couple that gets pregnant by accident. Maybe it was us, maybe it was someone we knew. Nevertheless, it’s a time that is stressful and is a struggle for all involved. The consequences of sex weighs heavily on the woman. I mean, that is biologically obvious, but even beyond that, the hormonal changes and the bond a mother develops with a child are incredibly profound. As a man, I can’t relate to what that is exactly like, but I have experienced the love of my mother, and it is unlike anything else, she would do anything for me. (Shoutout to my mom!).
I know a young couple who got pregnant, and based on their lives and where they were at, they decided to terminate the pregnancy.
This article is not about pro-choice or premarital sex, so leave your judgements at the door. Read on if you can be without judgment. Stop here if you can’t.
The appointment was made and the plans were enacted. At home, nervous and stressed with the reality of her decision, the woman got ready as she waited for her man to come pick her up to drive her to the clinic.
So she waited. And waited. And he never showed up.
She, like we all do if we can when anything goes wrong, called her mom. Her mom rushed over and picked her up and drove her to the clinic. She had the procedure, and the recovery was painful and longer than expected. But she endured it all, alone.
When I heard this story, my heart broke for her. As with everything, life has a way of moving forward whether or not we choose to participate. That man’s choices didn’t change outcomes, he just sent the message of the kind of man he was in the storm. Not the kind of man I would even want as a friend, let alone a partner or father.
The irony is that it was actually the second time I had heard a story like this.
ie. Man is ok with the boning part, but can’t own the responsibility that comes along with getting his ding dong wet.
It pisses me off that men like this exist. I mean, we’ve all let people down, that’s part of being human. But when life gets messy and people REALLY need us, we must put our ego and our crap aside because what they need is more important than what we need in that moment. Men who act selfishly when other people need them the most give all of the amazing and kind-hearted men a bad rap. These men are the ones who women often remember and their actions have women believing they are not worthy of being loved.
What these men do is anything but love. They are cowards of the heart.
So I ask the men who can’t show up for the people in their lives:
What kind of message do you think you send to the world and the people in it?
I’m not talking about the message you send just to women, but to the children you abandon and the truths you flee from?
What kind of message do you send to yourself? These choices just poison your soul and hurt your own heart.
You are your choices. You are anything but a man.
But before I get too Mangry (new word, just invented), at first when I wanted to write this article, I was going to write it solely about the men who haven’t shown up for others. And to be fair, there are a lot. But here’s why I couldn’t just write to them:
Because there are many men who have had their hearts torn apart by women who have lied, cheated, and let them down. There are kids whose mothers broke their heart, day-in and day-out too.
We perpetuate stories of gender issues, and the reality is that people let people down. And it sucks.
So how do we improve our lives and our choices so as to create space for people who will show up for us?
If we all took the time to consider the messages our actions send, we would make a lot of different choices. What we do in each moment and the decisions we make can change lives, for good and for bad. The influence we can have on a person through the words we choose is so profound that it can model their view of love and of the world in general. And other people, if we allow them to, can do the same for us.
One of the most important aspects of creating the life we want is taking ownership that a large part of how other people show up for us lies in our own hands. I know that can sound twisted, but our lives are generally a reflection of what we allow. We can’t change how people show up for us, but we can change how we show up for ourselves and what behaviours we consider to be acceptable.
When people let us down big time, they have usually let us down in many small and moderate ways before that. Sometimes it takes the deep lows for us to wake up and see that they’re not there for us. The whole time we’ve been trying to convince others to choose and show up for us, we were really just waiting to love ourselves.
Part of letting go of the pain associated with people never choosing us is recognizing that their choices are never really about us. We can’t force people to become how we need them to be and we can’t change how they love us. We can just invite them to meet us in the middle, and if they can, amazing. If they can’t, then it just creates more space for those who can.
It can be viewed that this is a very dismissive way to love. But if a relationship feels heavy and we spend our lives convincing people to change and love us in the way in which we need them to, is that a life well spent? There are so many wonderful hearts, who, despite maybe not knowing exactly how to do it, are willing to join us on the journey and learn. They’re willing to try to understand how we love and what we need, and we, in turn, agree to fulfill the other side of that agreement.
When you begin to follow your heart and let go of the need to control everything, you will see that the world has a wonderful way of bringing into your life exactly what the choices you make reflect you truly want.
Till you meet that special person, I want to tell you what all those people from your past who have let you down wanted to say but didn’t know how:
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that your heart broke in so many ways. I’m sorry that I told you all the things you wanted to hear but never showed you what those words actually mean. I’m sorry that I left you waiting to be told that you are everything to me. I’m sorry that in my own pain and selfishness, I failed to see the impact of my actions on your life and your heart. Don’t dwell on me, I’m not worth it. Don’t try to change me or convince me to love you, because I don’t even love myself. All I can say is I’m sorry.”
It’s time to choose you, so someone who is worthy of your love can choose you too.