Sometimes our fears can truly get the best of us. We can exist in relationships that don’t satiate a single cell in our body. Often it’s a fear of looking in and asking the tough questions. Questions like, “Why am I feeling this way? Why is my relationship feeling disconnected? Should we still be together?”
But we don’t ask. In avoiding the pursuit of actionable knowledge we have the excuse to stay the same. We get to keep living in the story that, “This is what relationships are supposed to be like. We’re supposed to grow apart. No one is happy forever.”
I have such a deep understanding of what this feels like because I have known this scenario all too well myself.
We loved each other. Maybe not on a “elevated” or “enlightened” level. And in hindsight maybe it wasn’t whole. I can’t tell you because I didn’t have the awareness.
In that moment of time I had no idea how I had become so accustomed to monotony. To playing safe and not appreciating every wonderful thing about her. I don’t think I could’ve intellectually conversed about the current state of our relationship. It was a feeling. A deep sense in my heart that I wanted more. That this relationship had run its course.
But we stayed. We satisfied the “list”.
And isn’t that the greatest irony? That we won’t forego anything on the list for a higher level connection, but often we’ll skip right by needing a connection to satisfy the list.
Money, comfort, stability, appearance. All these things can have such a glaring spotlight that we fail to miss what we always knew: This relationship, for whatever reason, is not where I want to be.
We have this giant fear as humans:
When relationships grow apart we can’t let them go.
We can’t have them end.
Is relationship longevity really the sign of relationship success? If that’s true I know a lot of successful relationships with some sad people in them. This societal, cultural and religiously engrained belief system has us avoiding conversations and truths. And instead we embrace misalignment, constant anxiety, and the desire to “stay together” has us distancing ourselves further and away from who we are as individuals.
What an insane irony:
Needing to be with someone else has us becoming someone else.
Don’t we want more?! Don’t we crave more?! The reality of this is that your truth will always catch up with you. And this is why we cheat, disrespect our partners with words that scathe, and begin and continue to build a script that has us resenting ourselves for putting “Being Together” ahead of being ourselves. We are so afraid to go against the grain that we become another robot. Another person in society who says yes to the bullshit and reinforces our relationship dysfunctions and our fear of being an individual and being alone.
I’ve lived this. I lacked quality sleep. The line of behaviour that was acceptable with other women got greyer. I started to take her for granted. I got shorter tempered and being with her every day was a reminder of my misalignment.
I hated her for that.
Yet I chose it. Everyday. The pain was not enough for me to have an adult conversation and say from the largest space in my heart, “I love you dearly. I am no longer invested in this relationship, and I no longer wish to be. For that reason I need to let you go. To find a love that would love you in the way you deserve.”
My selfishness and my fear of hurting another human had me paralyzed. I wished she would just break up with me. I hoped she would get so tired of how I was behaving and the choices I was making that she would just leave me. Or, my ultimate plan, was if she cheated on me it would just make it so much easier. Because not being romantically in love anymore was not enough of a reason. If she cheated I would have to leave. How could I stay with someone like that? Everyone would respect my decision to walk away.
So she did. And I stayed.
I know. Mind blowing.
And we worked it out. And we got right back to the same place we had been hovering for so long. I lived in a constant state of anxiety. Anxiety I chose.
We avoid the pain. We run from adult conversations that have us breaking hearts and changing lives into a more positive direction. A direction that aligns with our dreams and desires. It’s interesting this paradox. Maybe it’s that we’re scared we won’t meet someone new, or that they won’t be able to go on.
Imagine if we went about it differently.
Imagine if we spoke to people from the belief that they have all the tools they need. They will cope, they will find the space and strength to move forward, and that they will grow from the experience and be grateful for the role we have played in their life. And even if all of these tools are not present at the time of the breakup, they will reach out to their network and ask for help. And isn’t it crazy that this fear has US playing small? It has us sitting in mediocre love because that is better than stepping into the unknown.
The unknown is where the juice is. That’s what love is. Uncertainty. The fear of loss all whilst being buried in the deliciousness and exhilaration of merging hearts. Hearts that can never guarantee forever. With a soul that says to us,”I’m in this with you. I’m going to do my best to give you all of me…and when I no longer can I will let you go with love and appreciation for what we’ve shared.”
Every partner and experience is another piece of DNA that composes what love and relationships mean to us.
I finally had the conversation. We ended the relationship and we both moved on. We both survived, and we both have since loved again. Grateful for what we had taught one another and how we had set such a platform for what love meant to us. She will forever be one of the largest contributors to the man I am today. I cannot, and would never take back or change anything from the experience. What I can do to honour her and our experience is choose differently moving forward. I can take all of these learnings and bring them to the next relationship.
Know that your relationships are allowed to end. You’re allowed to not be in love anymore. You’re allowed to grow out of relationships. You can live and love any way that fills your heart. No one else has to live your life. So live it for you.
Yes again. In my marriage we had a motto -being good Christian people – “divorce is not an option.” I now see how binding that was and how this idea keeps so many people captives in unhealthy relationships, dying a little – or a lot – each day. I stayed for a myriad of reasons…and my secret wish since divorce wasn’t an option, “I wish he would die.” Horrible isn’t it! I now see that it was me, that I really wanted to die, to have a way out. Thankfully I did…and while he still cannot see it as a good thing – I know that is saved all of us. Now I’m on a mission to help people set themselves free from that type of bondage and captivity.
Find myself saying thank you again Mark for opening up to the world to show us you are changing the game and the world at the same time! Hell yes!
Wow. I whole heartedly can understand that you had those feelings! It’s so insane to think that we get to that space! It honestly is perplexing in hindsight but as I sorted through the emotions they seemed like second nature to me. I love your mission. I think it’s a similar mission to my own! 🙂 There can never be enough of us to call each other out to our greatness as well as help facilitate the decision for others to face what is true for them. I wish someone had been able to explain it to me then, but honestly I didn’t have the awareness and I wouldn’t have been able to write this blog that will hopefully help one person release themselves from a self chosen pain because of external learnings and pressure.
Thanks for sharing Holli!
This makes total sense and everyone goes through it I agree. There are some ways to get rid of these feelings though..of you are wanting to make it work. There is a book called ‘love and respect’ by doctor Emerson egg riches. There is also a wicked audio program called “light his fire” and “light her fire” and “light your fire.” Can’t remember the author’s name. Your article has a ton of truth and is very well written! I just thought I’d comment with these resources for those who have reasons to stay, or reasons for their hearts to not let go. And those who would STILL like to ride it out..happily instead of unfulfilled and miserable so to speak lol. There will be those that read your blog and wish for a way to change those truths. I’ve been there and have reasons to ride it out. One, I love my husband more than I have ever loved any other man…truly,flaws and all…plus I respect him immensely! Two- I know if we just walked away, at some point we’d miss it all and regret it..we both have already. 3- we have built a life together, with beautiful children, a beautiful family life, hopes, dreams…and we are the spouses of eachothers youth. It may be a difference for a marriage verses a long term relationship with no kids. I think it would be. But there is something about a marriage and having a family together, that forever bonds the souls.
Well, thanks for the read. It helps put some feelings into perspective for sure 🙂
Thanks for sharing. I love what you said about people wanting to ride it out and work on things. I think that if our desire is to stay in a relationship with this person then we need to exhaust all of the options that will help revitalize the connection. Ultimately, we have to be willing to do the work. It sounds like you are and I applaud you for that 🙂
Very interesting, my friend was just going over this the other day. While I AGREE that if you are in a relationship that drains you on a daily basis, it IS time to move on. BUT you also have to realize that the passion of a new romance will dim and you don’t just leave, you have ups and downs. Relationships take work… after reading this though, a new thought comes to mind. And that is it sounds as if you’re suggesting to keep searching, always (because new love will always wax and wane). So you if find yourself in that constant search for new love (or 6 husbands) I’d have to DISAGREE. The problem is within yourself. You need to find out how to enjoy a relationship based on true/long term love, not just the temporary passion of new love.
Totally agree Christopher. If the search is for constant excitement and new thrills then we need to learn how to love ourselves as well as how to create thrills and excitement within our own relationships.
I do think that although new love will not always be new love there is some great scientific data from Helen Fisher to support the idea that long term couples who are still very much in love actually have the same parts of their brains light up when talking about or thinking about their partners as do people in the “honeymoon phase” of their relationships. Interesting what that could mean. And it at least draws some hope to the idea that new love can in some respects remain new love. I think a lot of their rituals are different and they know how to keep things new and exciting. It is definitely a skillset… and one we should all learn.
Not sure if this is the best answer, but I do agree fear is a large part of things. Fear of life alone. Fear of never loving again. Fear of how to make it work. Then what about children? Should they suffer because we can’t set aside our petty differences? Who knows. But then again, marriage is the leading cause of divorce, lol
Do children not suffer when people stay together out of obligation and not love? A lot of parents who are together treat each other poorly in front of their kids and could show up much better if they weren’t together. It’s obviously a very complex dynamic to manage and there’s a lot of grey area to consider.
As someone who grew up with an amazing single dad, I am way happier that my parents split (By that I mean, they didn’t ‘stay for the kid’) and definitely believe that I’d rather have one parent that loves me and loves who they are/their life than two parents who are miserable.
The limbo of not knowing what to do and the uncertainty of either choice (to stay or go) is miserable. The fantasy of the other person cheating is the fantasy of having the decision made for you. Unfortunately, as the article notes, the abdication of decision making can be so complete that the cheating might not even do the trick. ugh! I can relate
This article really hits home for me. I can look back, after he finally called “the time of death” on our relationship, and see how many instances that I was incredibly unhappy but afraid to be alone (so I stayed). This gave my ex free reign to treat me in a misogynistic way (because of the foundation HE had as a child), and I sat there and took it. Gave myself away completely because I was petrified of being alone at *gasp* 34 years old. Immediately post break up my 41 year old boyfriend was chasing 20 year old women, and others of course, and for a moment I allowed that to continue being my problem. Slowly, I am discovering why I choose men who treat me this way, why I have accepted it, and what I need to do to change it. Dwelling on what I don’t want, and on the past have been toxic – I KEEP GETTING THE SAME RESULT!! Insanity!
Thanks for the insightful post…just another tool in my arsenal of self love, growth and acceptance.
Mark–
I was recommended your Instagram through a friend by the name of KC Nelson, I thought she said you knew of each other. It’s incredible to me how things come full circle. Your post hit home for me on so many levels. I have been with my husband for 10 years (since I was 18), we’ve been married almost 4 years, and we have two beautiful children. I came from a family of divorce and made a decision as a young girl that my children would never have divorced parents. I have been in such denial because my ego says “divorce is not an option”. The problem is, I am not a settler. I believe in more, in bigger, in deeper. I am doing what ego & society tells me to do. Yet, I am struggling inside. A lot of why I’ve stayed so long is that I have self-doubt. An issue I am working on. I don’t want anyone to hurt. But, ironically, I’m hurting enough for everyone. I’ve had to ask myself the questions “am I capable of becoming the woman I know I can be, in this marriage?” “am I able to reach my full potential as a human, in this marriage?” At this point, the answer is clear to me. No. However, I have not communicated with him well enough to give him the opportunity to be what I need him to be. I feel he deserves that. I am working with a therapist now to help me communicate my feelings with him so that he is not blindsided. I am truly grateful for this story. I get stronger everyday and this story has helped exponentially. Thank you.