Category Archives: Breakups

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The Greatest Mistake We Don’t Know We’re Making In Love

When I was nineteen I was so in love. And like it seems to always happen with great relationships at that age, she went away to college. When she was leaving we had that standard conversation about what the relationship was going to look like, but at that point in our lives it almost seemed doomed to fail. Two people in their late teens, both embarking on the initial steps of creating their schooling and careers, in two different countries. A hard time to make promises, especially ones with such a fleeting feeling as love can sometimes be. So we framed the relationship in a way that we would be allowed to “see” other people, we would just communicate when that happened(Great plan right?!).

So, in the car she went, and go she did.

Being that I was still home, everything around me still reminded me of her. It was torturous. And for her the excitement was never-ending: new school, new people, athletic fame. My heart was attached to the familiar, and hers was exploding with novelty.

The days turned into weeks, the communication was less and less. And then finally she came back for Thanksgiving. Except, she brought her “friend”, the handsome running back with the perfect smile.

I had Thanksgiving dinner with her and her family, and that “friend”. And in hindsight I can’t believe I actually sat there as I was being disrespected with each bite.

I’m not sure how naive I really was back then?!? I believed in the best in people, but I also failed to see the truths that were right in front of my eyes. I skipped the red flags to avoid the pain. Pain that was clearly very imminent to any onlooker.

She would (obviously) go on to date this guy, and I would remain in a crumpled heap of resentment. Resenting myself mostly, for not having a backbone to tell her that her way of being didn’t make my heart feel so good. That she was being sh*tty. But I was so afraid to lose her before that moment, that I let sh*t slide. Sh*t that should definitely not have slid… Sh*t that should’ve been picked up, bagged, and tossed.

A lot of what happened was my fault. I didn’t call her to be better. I didn’t have the tools to challenge her to grow.

Not many people know this, but it took me almost two years(more than that actually… you’ll see) for me to get over this experience. And by “get over”, I mean for it not to haunt me. For her face to not appear every time I closed my eyes. I thought I had known heartbreak before this… but I can honestly say that this was one of the most painful experiences I’ve ever had in my life.

As heartbreak can often do, this one would change me in more ways than I would ever have imagined.

I began living life as a different man. I hid my heart. I started to drink more. And I became lady crazy. I don’t mean kinda crazy, I mean they were like a drug to me. I wanted all of them.

I figured that if being a great boyfriend and being kind and loving got me heartbreak, then I was done with it. I decided that I would do everything I could to not let another woman hurt me. I decided that it was time to start accumulating status, money, and ladies. I set the goal to make 100k/year and to have a porsche, a house, and a plethora of female experience.

With my new goals in mind I hit the bar scene eager and naive. Only a couple of weeks after my devastating breakup, on halloween, I did two things I had never done before: I made out with a girl on the dance floor, and brought a different girl home… to my parents’ house. Who was, ironically, dressed as a devil.

I had never done this one night stand thing before. But I did know how to talk shit. So, I talked about all of the crazy sex-fuelled stuff I was going to do to her, and then when I went to have sex with her, I had another first, it was like putting a marshmallow in a piggy bank. One. Night. Stand. Fail.

And I wish I could blame alcohol, but that had never affected my performance. I’ll tell you exactly why: because I was stepping outside my integrity and who I was in my heart.

But that didn’t stop me. I would be committed to this new way of life. My solution to my new found emotional erectile dysfunction would be to drink the anxiety away. To anesthetize my heart, and to win the acclaim of men around me for my skills with the ladies. I would not only get to experience the “love” of many women, but also become an incredible story teller.

It’s interesting to look back at this time, because, to be honest, I didn’t know what I was doing. I couldn’t consciously see why I was doing what I was doing. I just knew it didn’t feel good in my heart. But it definitely felt good in terms of novelty and orgasms.

But it had become part of my identity. To be a ladies man and to be celebrated for the things I saw in rap videos.

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I got asked recently, “Who do you think you need to be to be loved?”

And wow. That floored me. Who I’ve thought I needed to be has shifted for me as I have grown up.

When I was in my teens it was being funny, athletic, kind, and a good man. Striving to help others, and always being sensitive and empathetic to those around me.

After my breakup though it changed. I did something one should never do: I made someone else not choosing me mean that I wasn’t good enough. Since I didn’t feel like I was good enough as I was, I chose to become someone else. I abandoned parts of my true self to ensure I got the love of others. I became who I thought I needed to be to be loved. Because I thought who I was, wasn’t good enough.

In the last seventeen years I have had so many amazing women in my life. Some of them (obviously) shorter experiences than others… Shit, I’ve even had a fiancee. I’ve shared laughs, cries, travel, adventures, heartbreak, and learnings that I would never take back.

Through all of it I see that I have had women who are willing to show up for me. To love me. To choose me.

But I couldn’t see them then. I was so busy running from love that I didn’t see it sitting in front of my eyes at every turn.

It killed me when I realized this recently, but I haven’t let anyone love me in seventeen years. Seventeen effing years. Sure, I’ve been in relationships. But I never  actually let anyone *in*. Mostly, because I thought if I let someone love all of me they would hurt me. They would leave. They would make me heartbroken.

It’s flawed logic isn’t it?

To ask for love and not willing to be heartbroken. Knowing that the depth we love is always met with an equal and opposite potential for heartbreak.

Also, to be in a relationship with the purpose of seeking love and affection, yet never allowing anyone to give it to us. And on top of all of that, expecting others to love us when we haven’t even taken the time to love ourselves.

I now see that the journey is always inside our own hearts first. I see that the amount of love we have for another is limited by the love we have for ourselves.

So I’ve journeyed within. I love hard. I live in the space of absolute authenticity now. I am me. That’s it. I write and speak on the subject of how humans connect because it’s my favourite. To help people find and see their truth so they can then connect better with others. I write about my journey because I’m not afraid of owning my sh*t, and I hope you may see parts of yourself in me so you may learn without making the same mistakes I’ve made.

I do not regret a moment of my past. I do not regret a single relationship or a single decision, and I would take every second, every fleeting romance, and every heartbreak just as they came. They have taught me so much, and any deviation wouldn’t have brought me where I am today. To a place I am extremely proud of.

In the last four years I have been going through an “unbecoming” of sorts. I recognize that no amount of money, ladies, cars, houses, or “stuff” will ever be able to replace authentic connection and showing up as who am in my core. We chase and accumulate these material things to avoid ourselves. To avoid actually showing up unapologetically and saying, “I trust that you’ll love me for me, and if you can’t/won’t, that’s okay, because I’m amazing how I am and if you won’t, I will find someone who will. I am not willing to become someone else to be with you.”

Here’s what I know to be true:

Show up for the world. Show up for you. Let go of all of the bullsh*t and just allow yourself to be who you are. No one is going to give you permission. No one is going to make you. If you truly want to love and build partnership, you have to let yourself be you. You have to stand in your truth. You have to remove the layers of who you think you need to be to be loved, so that you can love all out.

I feel like I’ve just been born again. Definitely not as a virgin though. But more so as me. To fall in love. To be given another chance. To actually give another woman a chance. To focus on being the good man I know I am.

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The One Dating Conversation You’re Not Having That Could Make Or Break Your Future

When I was younger the setting of most of my teenage make-outs was far from ideal. I mean, there was a roof over my head, and food in the fridge, but in the basement of our family home, nestled in the back corner, was our “study”. The temperature of our basement was sometimes close to freezing, and I can remember mornings when I could see my breath. Hardly the ideal environment to try to get a girl’s clothes off.

But alas, I was a resilient young man. Temperature wasn’t going to stop me from studying the female body. I can remember a specific time when I was making out with a girl who I had been dating for a little over a month. We hadn’t had “The Talk” yet, but I could feel it perched on the ledge of her every breath. 

As my hand moved to the clasp of her bra, she grabbed my face and aggressively demanded my focus to her eyes. Raging with testosterone and trepidation for the imminent conversation that was about to happen, blood redirected itself to my brain to collect my thoughts as she sheepishly mumbled:

“What is going on between us?”

Well, that killed the mood. 

The man in me wondered, “Why couldn’t she have just waited another forty-five minutes (ten minutes is probably more realistic) to have this conversation?”

I had known that this conversation would come, and it would be the end of my relationship-free romance. It wasn’t that I was seeing other people, or that I didn’t enjoy her company. I did. I just didn’t want to be ‘in’ a relationship with her.

Let’s talk about the dating and relationship rules that we seem to have formulated when it comes to trying to navigate the booby-traps of new love.

She wanted to talk about ‘us’ for awhile. She likely chatted with her friends and they went through the formulaic algorithm that we seem to have created for the specific question we all seem to ponder:

“When is it ok to have the talk about what our relationship status is?”

Let me be very clear:

It is ok to have that conversation the moment you wonder (I’ll explain). 

I work with people all of the time who avoid this conversation because they’re afraid of what they might hear. They’re afraid that the response will be different than what they want to hear. They’re afraid that the person they’re dating might not want what they want, and that scares the crap out of them.

Think about what belief is REALLY going on here and what we’re giving meaning to:

Someone else not wanting what we want means that they don’t want us. 

AND 

We would rather avoid that conversation to avoid rejection, than get clear information on how to best make  informed decisions moving forward.

Look, I’m not here to sugarcoat or placate to the tenderness people want to hear. I’m going to tell you what’s up.

Let’s consider how this impacts our lives; we avoid conversations where we could get more clarity about someone’s intentions because we’re afraid their intentions (to be or not be in a relationship) may not match ours. 

That’s seems sort of ridiculous, doesn’t it?!

Let’s think of this scenario differently. 

Imagine that lately you’ve been feeling ill. For some time now, something in your body is just not feeling right. And, like most of us, you consider your options:

(a) Go to the doctor, find out what’s going on (and maybe that it’s nothing) and do something about it (or not), or

(b) Ignore it and allow it to grow into something that we can no longer treat. And potentially, you could die.

Your sickness becomes a colossal mess because, out of fear of hearing something might be wrong with you, you avoid the very information that would allow you to make proactive decisions and act. 

I know this sounds extreme — Because this is very serious.

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Here are 4 long-term and very serious consequences of avoiding “The Talk”:

1. You are building two roads to two different places:  Imagine that both you and your partner own a construction company, and that this company builds roads. When you consider what the company mission statement is, your belief is that you’re building roads that lead to wedded bliss.  And oddly, when probed, we find out that his/hers leads to orgasms, lack of commitment, and fleeting love that allows them to sample all the goods around. 

Wow. Quite a difference. So, if this goes undiscussed, we’ll have one company, building two different things. Doesn’t sound very smart, does it?

When this happens in the context of relationships, we’ll have hurt, anxiety, pain, and lots of time we can NEVER get back. All because we never talked about relationship mission statements. 

Don’t be fooled. Relationships require similar mission statements and intentions. Because, when not aligned, all of a sudden, maybe it’s three months or ten years down the road, you’re going to realize that you’re not building what you thought you were building. And you’re going to be really, really, really(really) angry. 

And the truth is, you should be frustrated with yourself, because all you had to do was ask. 

2. You are destroying your self-worth:  When we avoid speaking our truth and what we desire from a relationship, we step further and further away from our hearts. We are, indirectly, telling ourselves that what we want isn’t important. Our desires and beliefs don’t matter. What we need, doesn’t matter. We…don’t matter. And if we have kids, we’re teaching them the exact same thing. It is that big of a deal.

3. You are wasting valuable time:  Tick Tock goes the clock. Maybe right now you think it’s not a big deal – you’ve got time, right? What’s another couple weeks or months? Well, quickly, those months will turn into years. And you will be left in a desecrated pile of “I should haves” and, “Why didn’t I justs” as you pick up the pieces of your broken heart, one that you consciously chose to break by not having the conversations that matter. 

And if that doesn’t sound serious enough, consider how quickly our lives can change. One coffee shop lineup, one yoga class, one walk in the park. That’s all it takes to meet the person we’ve been seeking. But you’ll never be in that position to meet them if you don’t take control of your life and make conscious decisions about who you want in it. 

4. You are filling the gap:  Maybe there’s many reasons you’re avoiding the conversation. Maybe you like companionship? Great. Maybe you like getting laid and spooning to Netflix marathons? Who doesn’t?! Maybe this person is almost what you want but not quite it. What’s the harm? 

But they’re not that person. And the longer you hold onto them and fill the space of partnership in your life with mediocrity, you take away the space for your match to enter it.

Chew on that for awhile(but not too long, we’ve got love to find.)


Truth be told, there is no magic formula to dating. That’s why the book “He’s Just Not That Into You” doesn’t mean anything when we’re in the storm, because when emotion is involved it’s hard for us to be impartial. 

There are rules that are right sometimes, but if there is anything I’ve learned from dating, it’s this: 

When we are really into someone, none of the rules matter. All the books and courses we have taken mean nothing. We text and call as much as we want. We see each other as much as we want. We kiss when we want. We even bang when we want. And we say, “I love you” when we feel it. 

When we start worrying about all the algorithms and pathways we need to go down, we begin to step outside ourselves. We loose our authenticity and our honesty, because we are pretending to be someone we’re not. 

Let’s be our quirky, funny, weird, witty, sarcastic, awkward, and amazing selves. When we do that we give ourselves the freedom to just be. We’re not putting our energy into pretending, and that means we can put more energy into loving.

SPOILER ALERT: That girl and I broke up. And I never got to finish the make-out. Because I didn’t tell her what she wanted to hear. I told her the truth. The end. 

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Why Are You Single? Wait… Is that a bad thing?

We have this belief system that being single is bad.

It’s not.

Check out this video where I dispel some of the myths about how people in relationships are happier and healthier than people who are single.

If you like this video please Share it, Subscribe to my Youtube Channel, and give it a Thumbs Up on Youtube! 

References:

Stressful social relations and mortality: a prospective cohort study

Social Relationships and Health: A Flashpoint for Health Policy

Marriage and health: His and hers.

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Why The Promise Of Forever Can Mean The Death Of Your Relationship

It’s really interesting that we go from relationships of varying quality and length in our teens and twenties and then leap into a “serious” relationship or marriage and expect it to last forever.

Often, we haven’t learned from our past relationships or taken the time to ask ourselves how we contributed to those relationship outcomes. When a relationship ends, it’s easy to blame the other person but sometimes we neglect to explore what our role was.

How do we learn how to “be” in a relationship? Are we ever really ready for marriage and lifelong monogamy?

Most of our relationship knowledge and skills come from our parents and various other mentors.

This can be a good thing. But it can also be an extremely bad thing.

Our parents might have left a path of destruction and then we wonder why we have blocks to love. Seldom is it true that they loved perfectly and are models of monogamistic bliss. They are human after all.

By the time we finally “commit”, most of us have not actively sought out what makes relationships work.  We haven’t done an inventory of the behaviours we have and don’t have, that influence how we merge hearts and how to build and maintain love.

On top of that, we might never have learned how to pick great partners or to explore and honour what connection truly is.

Relationships don’t generally last a lifetime. I’m not trying to be a negative dick. This is a fact. One that we usually choose to ignore.

People get fired up over divorce and breakups. As a society, we frown upon the divorced. Their story reflects one of our greatest fears; that our relationships might one day end too.

And that fear makes sense. Breakups are hard and it’s easy to get caught up in the dream of soulmates and having one lover for our lifetime. We all want to believe that life and love is always puppy dogs and ice cream. (I love both).

It’s not. Love can be hard. Love can hurt. Love sometimes feels as though it fails us. And ironically, love is often one of our greatest sources of pain.

And if love wasn’t already hard enough, let’s throw in the fact that sometimes we make bad choices and end up down a path that is no longer where we want to be. After all, this is real life. Not a fairy tale or perfect love story.

In this real life, relationships don’t “fail” per se. We tend to outgrow them, or don’t have the skills necessary to navigate them. We often don’t know or understand how to grow together. And at times, we exist in relationships where we were never really invested in the first place.

Relationship longevity is only ONE marker of relationship success.

Certainly not the only one.

But it is BY FAR the one we place the most emphasis on.

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This is ridiculous. If “staying together” is our gauge of success, then almost everyone on this planet is/will be, or has been a failure at some point in their life. And all of us have this human relationship game all wrong.

The truth is that anyone can make the worst relationship last forever. Because “staying together” tells us nothing about the juice of the relationship. It’s not a marker of the quality of the relationship.

I believe we should define relationship success in a way that holds us accountable.

Are you doing the best you can? Are you being the best possible partner you know you’re capable of being? Are you making the choices and living in a way that you expect from your partner?

Yes? Amazing.

No? Why not?

Do you love who you are and bring that back to the relationship?

If not, why? What’s holding you back?

Instead of being driven and focused by needing the relationship to last forever, set it as an intention that guides your behaviour in each moment.

Relationship success is about living in the now and showing up each day. It’s about being the best possible version of you in each moment. And choosing your partner – moment by moment.

We can only take responsibility for our side of the relationship. It’s up to us to set the benchmark for the type of relationship we want. Those that can’t keep up, won’t. But instead of holding onto someone and dating their potential, let them go and find someone who’s ready and wants to love like you do.

By living and loving this way, we reframe what the end of a relationship means for us. We do everything we can and if a relationship ends, we let it go because we’ve done our best. We’ve given it our all. 

You are accountable to your potential. How you choose to live and love is up to you! Don’t wait until shit hits the fan to figure out how to be a great partner.

Choose to be amazing today.

Strive to be and do the best you can. Embrace the adventure. Accept and appreciate your learnings. And always move forward. Even if it’s just a small step.

When we live and love like this, moments add up into days, the days into years, and maybe even the years into your forever.

pregnancy, relationship advice, dating advice, let down, breakup, love, relationships, dating, emotional intelligence

How To Choose People Who Won’t Let You Down

We can all relate to the young couple that gets pregnant by accident. Maybe it was us, maybe it was someone we knew. Nevertheless, it’s a time that is stressful and is a struggle for all involved. The consequences of sex weighs heavily on the woman. I mean, that is biologically obvious, but even beyond that, the hormonal changes and the bond a mother develops with a child are incredibly profound. As a man, I can’t relate to what that is exactly like, but I have experienced the love of my mother, and it is unlike anything else, she would do anything for me. (Shoutout to my mom!).

I know a young couple who got pregnant, and based on their lives and where they were at, they decided to terminate the pregnancy.

This article is not about pro-choice or premarital sex, so leave your judgements at the door. Read on if you can be without judgment. Stop here if you can’t.

The appointment was made and the plans were enacted. At home, nervous and stressed with the reality of her decision, the woman got ready as she waited for her man to come pick her up to drive her to the clinic.

So she waited. And waited. And he never showed up.

She, like we all do if we can when anything goes wrong, called her mom. Her mom rushed over and picked her up and drove her to the clinic. She had the procedure, and the recovery was painful and longer than expected. But she endured it all, alone.

When I heard this story, my heart broke for her. As with everything, life has a way of moving forward whether or not we choose to participate. That man’s choices didn’t change outcomes, he just sent the message of the kind of man he was in the storm. Not the kind of man I would even want as a friend, let alone a partner or father.

The irony is that it was actually the second time I had heard a story like this.

ie. Man is ok with the boning part, but can’t own the responsibility that comes along with getting his ding dong wet.

It pisses me off that men like this exist. I mean, we’ve all let people down, that’s part of being human. But when life gets messy and people REALLY need us, we must put our ego and our crap aside because what they need is more important than what we need in that moment.  Men who act selfishly when other people need them the most give all of the amazing and kind-hearted men a bad rap. These men are the ones who women often remember and their actions have women believing they are not worthy of being loved.

What these men do is anything but love. They are cowards of the heart.

So I ask the men who can’t show up for the people in their lives:

What kind of message do you think you send to the world and the people in it?

I’m not talking about the message you send just to women, but to the children you abandon and the truths you flee from?

What kind of message do you send to yourself? These choices just poison your soul and hurt your own heart.

You are your choices. You are anything but a man.

But before I get too Mangry (new word, just invented), at first when I wanted to write this article, I was going to write it solely about the men who haven’t shown up for others. And to be fair, there are a lot. But here’s why I couldn’t just write to them:

Because there are many men who have had their hearts torn apart by women who have lied, cheated, and let them down. There are kids whose mothers broke their heart, day-in and day-out too.

We perpetuate stories of gender issues, and the reality is that people let people down. And it sucks.

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So how do we improve our lives and our choices so as to create space for people who will show up for us?

If we all took the time to consider the messages our actions send, we would make a lot of different choices. What we do in each moment and the decisions we make can change lives, for good and for bad. The influence we can have on a person through the words we choose is so profound that it can model their view of love and of the world in general. And other people, if we allow them to, can do the same for us.

One of the most important aspects of creating the life we want is taking ownership that a large part of how other people show up for us lies in our own hands. I know that can sound twisted, but our lives are generally a reflection of what we allow. We can’t change how people show up for us, but we can change how we show up for ourselves and what behaviours we consider to be acceptable.

When people let us down big time, they have usually let us down in many small and moderate ways before that. Sometimes it takes the deep lows for us to wake up and see that they’re not there for us. The whole time we’ve been trying to convince others to choose and show up for us, we were really just waiting to love ourselves.

Part of letting go of the pain associated with people never choosing us is recognizing that their choices are never really about us. We can’t force people to become how we need them to be and we can’t change how they love us. We can just invite them to meet us in the middle, and if they can, amazing. If they can’t, then it just creates more space for those who can.

It can be viewed that this is a very dismissive way to love. But if a relationship feels heavy and we spend our lives convincing people to change and love us in the way in which we need them to, is that a life well spent? There are so many wonderful hearts, who, despite maybe not knowing exactly how to do it, are willing to join us on the journey and learn. They’re willing to try to understand how we love and what we need, and we, in turn, agree to fulfill the other side of that agreement.

When you begin to follow your heart and let go of the need to control everything, you will see that the world has a wonderful way of bringing into your life exactly what the choices you make reflect you truly want.

Till you meet that special person, I want to tell you what all those people from your past who have let you down wanted to say but didn’t know how:

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that your heart broke in so many ways. I’m sorry that I told you all the things you wanted to hear but never showed you what those words actually mean. I’m sorry that I left you waiting to be told that you are everything to me. I’m sorry that in my own pain and selfishness, I failed to see the impact of my actions on your life and your heart. Don’t dwell on me, I’m not worth it. Don’t try to change me or convince me to love you, because I don’t even love myself. All I can say is I’m sorry.”

It’s time to choose you, so someone who is worthy of your love can choose you too.

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Why I Wish You Would Cheat On Me

Sometimes our fears can truly get the best of us. We can exist in relationships that don’t satiate a single cell in our body. Often it’s a fear of looking in and asking the tough questions. Questions like, “Why am I feeling this way? Why is my relationship feeling disconnected? Should we still be together?”

But we don’t ask. In avoiding the pursuit of actionable knowledge we have the excuse to stay the same. We get to keep living in the story that, “This is what relationships are supposed to be like. We’re supposed to grow apart. No one is happy forever.”

I have such a deep understanding of what this feels like because I have known this scenario all too well myself.

We loved each other. Maybe not on a “elevated” or “enlightened” level. And in hindsight maybe it wasn’t whole. I can’t tell you because I didn’t have the awareness.

In that moment of time I had no idea how I had become so accustomed to monotony. To playing safe and not appreciating every wonderful thing about her. I don’t think I could’ve intellectually conversed about the current state of our relationship. It was a feeling. A deep sense in my heart that I wanted more. That this relationship had run its course.

But we stayed. We satisfied the “list”.

And isn’t that the greatest irony? That we won’t forego anything on the list for a higher level connection, but often we’ll skip right by needing a connection to satisfy the list.

Money, comfort, stability, appearance. All these things can have such a glaring spotlight that we fail to miss what we always knew: This relationship, for whatever reason, is not where I want to be.

We have this giant fear as humans:

When relationships grow apart we can’t let them go.

We can’t have them end.

Is relationship longevity really the sign of relationship success? If that’s true I know a lot of successful relationships with some sad people in them. This societal, cultural and religiously engrained belief system has us avoiding conversations and truths. And instead we embrace misalignment, constant anxiety, and the desire to “stay together” has us distancing ourselves further and away from who we are as individuals.

What an insane irony:

Needing to be with someone else has us becoming someone else.

Don’t we want more?! Don’t we crave more?! The reality of this is that your truth will always catch up with you. And this is why we cheat, disrespect our partners with words that scathe, and begin and continue to build a script that has us resenting ourselves for putting “Being Together” ahead of being ourselves. We are so afraid to go against the grain that we become another robot. Another person in society who says yes to the bullshit and reinforces our relationship dysfunctions and our fear of being an individual and being alone.

I’ve lived this. I lacked quality sleep. The line of behaviour that was acceptable with other women got greyer. I started to take her for granted. I got shorter tempered and being with her every day was a reminder of my misalignment.

I hated her for that.

Yet I chose it. Everyday. The pain was not enough for me to have an adult conversation and say from the largest space in my heart, “I love you dearly. I am no longer invested in this relationship, and I no longer wish to be. For that reason I need to let you go. To find a love that would love you in the way you deserve.”

My selfishness and my fear of hurting another human had me paralyzed. I wished she would just break up with me. I hoped she would get so tired of how I was behaving and the choices I was making that she would just leave me. Or, my ultimate plan, was if she cheated on me it would just make it so much easier. Because not being romantically in love anymore was not enough of a reason. If she cheated I would have to leave. How could I stay with someone like that? Everyone would respect my decision to walk away.

So she did. And I stayed.

I know. Mind blowing. 

And we worked it out. And we got right back to the same place we had been hovering for so long. I lived in a constant state of anxiety. Anxiety I chose.

We avoid the pain. We run from adult conversations that have us breaking hearts and changing lives into a more positive direction. A direction that aligns with our dreams and desires. It’s interesting this paradox. Maybe it’s that we’re scared we won’t meet someone new, or that they won’t be able to go on.

Imagine if we went about it differently.

Imagine if we spoke to people from the belief that they have all the tools they need. They will cope, they will find the space and strength to move forward, and that they will grow from the experience and be grateful for the role we have played in their life. And even if all of these tools are not present at the time of the breakup, they will reach out to their network and ask for help. And isn’t it crazy that this fear has US playing small? It has us sitting in mediocre love because that is better than stepping into the unknown.

The unknown is where the juice is. That’s what love is. Uncertainty. The fear of loss all whilst being buried in the deliciousness and exhilaration of merging hearts. Hearts that can never guarantee forever. With a soul that says to us,”I’m in this with you. I’m going to do my best to give you all of me…and when I no longer can I will let you go with love and appreciation for what we’ve shared.”

Every partner and experience is another piece of DNA that composes what love and relationships mean to us.

I finally had the conversation. We ended the relationship and we both moved on. We both survived, and we both have since loved again. Grateful for what we had taught one another and how we had set such a platform for what love meant to us. She will forever be one of the largest contributors to the man I am today. I cannot, and would never take back or change anything from the experience. What I can do to honour her and our experience is choose differently moving forward. I can take all of these learnings and bring them to the next relationship.

Know that your relationships are allowed to end. You’re allowed to not be in love anymore. You’re allowed to grow out of relationships. You can live and love any way that fills your heart. No one else has to live your life. So live it for you.